Forgiveness

This week I want to talk about something that is very important in a marital relationship. Without this one specific ingredient in a marriage the marriage would never work. 


The ingredient I'm talking about is FORGIVNESS... Without forgiveness our marriages would never heal from the hurt and pains we cause our mates. 
It's impossible to have a good marriage without the healing power of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness as the safety net beneath your marriage. 
I remember some of the fights Helene and I had back in the early parts of out marriage. The arguments would go on for weeks! No joke. We would fight so long and say so many things that weeks later we forgot what started the fight to begin with.... You see our problem was that neither of us wanted to ask for forgiveness. Notice I said ask for forgiveness and not I’m sorry... Asking for forgiveness is admitting your wrong and it is a very humbling experience. And this is hard for both men and women. I personally think it's harder for men to ask for forgiveness because of our male macho egos. 
Just imagine how many fights and arguments would quickly dissolve if we would just put down our PRIDE, because we don't want to seem like we are the ones giving in.


To forgive means " to give up resentment and the desire to punish". By the act of your will, you let the other person off the hook. 


Jesus says in Mathew 6:14-15. " For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your father will not forgive your transgressions". 
 In Eph: 4:32 Paul instructs us to be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you". 
 I don’t know about you but I don't want anything hindering God from forgiving me of any of my sins. This is a very important instruction from God. It's very clear that God insist that we are to be forgivers. And in our marriages there are many opportunities to practice forgiveness.


Many of you might be thinking well how many times do I have to forgive my spouse? Well let's look at what the bible has to say about that. In Mathew 18: 21-22 Peter asked Jesus how many times we must forgive one another. Peter wondered if seven times would be enough. Christ answered "No... Seventy times seven". In other words we need to forgive an infinite amount of times. Not just when you feel like it.
 Especially if we claim to be children for God.

One way you can tell if you’ve really forgiven your spouse is by asking yourself these following questions:

·      Have I given up my desire to punish my mate? 

·      Do I withhold any kind of love from my spouse based on past offenses toward you?

 When you lay aside that desire and no longer seek revenge, you free your spouse and yourself from the bonds of anger. 


We need to be careful of misusing or diluting the power of forgiveness. You might have heard your spouse say, "I'm sorry will you forgive me?” And the other person quickly says "Sure I will forgive you! And they move on, but then the person offends again and again with the same scenario. In order to have true forgiveness the offender must have an authentic repentance and cleansing on their part. It may even take some outside help for the person repeating the offense. When we can’t fix it ourselves we all need to look for outside help from a counselor, pastor or elder to help keep us accountable. 


Forgiveness cannot be conditional. Once you forgive, that's it. Just imagine if God forgave us conditionally. We would all be going to Hell. 


Once you have chosen to forgive you can still process the feelings of disappointment or rejection. That's ok. Remember forgiveness is a choice, an act of will, not an emotion. It may take a while for your emotions to catch up with your will.  We must forgive because that's what we are told to do according to scripture. 


Ask yourself these questions: 


·      In your relationship with your spouse what issues have been difficult to forgive? Why do you think this is so?

·      
Am I hurting my spouse for something he or she has done that has hurt me or disappointed me? If so list those hurts/ disappointments.

·      
In prayer and as an act of your will, give up " your rights" to punish your spouse. Write across your list of hurts your statement of forgiveness. 
Go to your spouse and tell them of your forgiveness.

Some of this study was taken from Starting Your marriage Right by: Dennis and Barbara Rainey