Resentment and Bitterness

I’m excited for two reasons. One is that this is the first blog of the year and I couldn’t wait to share it with everyone. And second we reached a year of writing our blog.  It excites Helene and I when people come up out of the blue and express how much they like reading the articles we write.  We feel so blessed because we know we are doing something with the wisdom and knowledge God has given us. It’s not about us. It’s about HIM. And having God in the center of your marriage. So that your marriage could be everything he intended it to be.  So please keep letting us know if you enjoy the blog. And please pass it on to others. I hope this next article will help you if you have and resentment and bitterness in your heart. It is definitely one root that will keep you from going to the next level in your marriage or in any part of your life. Enjoy!

Resentment and Bitterness

Have you been harboring ill feelings deep inside your soul? That are now beginning to take over your spiritual life? Have you been feeling dead inside due to the bitterness, unforgivness  an offense you have been holding on to?

Who have you been harboring these feelings about? Did those who offended you do anything to you that you haven’t done to anyone else in the past?

Has it help you to hold on to this feelings of uforgivness? Has the bitterness improved your quality of life? Has your quality of life improved as a result of clinging on to the offense?

What  fruit have you produced  in your life  because you allowed these negative attitudes fester and grow in your life?

These are just a few questions I want you to sit and think about for a while before you read this article. You might have the answers right away. But if you don’t take time and reflect on what you think is the cause of the bitterness and resentment in your life.

            Jesus talked about resentment and bitterness in Luke 17: 1-6 , and how to remove it from your life.  We are going to break it down here for you to truly understand what he meant and why he described unforgiveness to the Sycamine tree.  The Sycamine tree is a tree that grows throughout the Middle East. As you read you will see how everything in this verse is connected to the Sycamine Tree and why Jesus chose to use this tree as an example of bitterness and unforgiveness .

            In Luke 17:3 Jesus was telling the disciples how many times they needed to forgive those who sinned against them. And in verse 4 he even took it further by saying even if anyone wrongs you wether brother, wife family member friend seven times in one day and each time they TRULY repent, then they were to forgive that person for offending them.

            For most of us it’s already hard to forgive the first time.  Imagine seven! I’m sure this sounded crazy to the disciples. But, that’s why you read in verse 5 when they say “Lord, Increase our faith.” It’s like their saying “ Lord we don’t know if we have that much faith to forgive so many times in one day. You will have to increase our faith in order for us to forgive seven times a day!

            That’s when Jesus really started speaking to them about bitterness and unforgivness. He tells them in Luke 17:6 If you had the faith of a mustard seed you would say to that sycamine tree, Uproot yourself by the root and be thrown into the sea. And it should obey you. What Jesus was saying here was that bitterness and unforgiveness is like the sycamine tree. If you really want to be free of these attitudes, you can speak to this harmful, menacing life threatening growth in your life and command it to be planted in the sea.

            Some of you might be wondering why he chose a sycamine tree and not another tree like an oak tree, pine tree or a palm tree. As you continue to read you will find out why Jesus compared the sycamine tree to these ugly characteristics of unforgiveness and bitterness that are detrimental when we let them into our lives.

The Sycamine tree had a very large and deep root structure. It was known to have the deepest root structure in all the middle east. The Sycamine tree grew to thirty feet or more because the roots were so deep into the earth. Which made it very difficult to kill. No matter how hot it got in the Middle East it wouldn’t affect the tree because of the water source it had due to the deep roots. Even cutting it down to the base would not guarantee it would die because of it’s roots hidden underground would draw water from it’s sources letting it keep resurfacing again and again. So as you can see the sycamine tree was very hard to kill.

            Like the Sycamine tree bitterness and unforgiveness must be dealt with clear to the roots or they will keep springing up again and again. These roots of bitterness and unforgiveness go down deep into the human soul fed by any offense that lies hidden in our hearts. That hidden offense will cause these ugly roots to resurface in a persons life over and over again. It will take a serious decision for that person to rip the roots of bitterness and offense out of the heart once and for all. So that it can’t grow back in the future.

            The Sycamine tree was also the preferred wood for building  caskets and coffins in the Middle East.  That alone should tell you bitterness and unforgiveness are DEADLY! And harbouring them will spiritually bury you just as quick as anything else.

 The Sycamine tree grows very quickly in any environment making it accessible in many different places. 

Just as the Sycamine tree grew very quickly, so does bitterness and unforgiveness. When these fast growing ugly attitudes are allowed to grow freely, they not only spoil the condition of your own heart they ruin your relationships with other people.  And just like the sycamine tree can grow in almost any environment so does bitterness. It doesn’t matter where people are from, where they live, what their cultural background is or what level of society they belong to. Bitterness and Unforgiveness grow in human hearts everywhere!

            The Sycamine tree grew best in dry eareas where there was very little rain. Just like bitterness and unforgiveness these negative attitudes flourish when our spiritual lives are dry. You can almost guarantee you will find these characters where there is no repentence, joy and fresh anointing of the Holy Spirit.

if you permit bitterness and unforgive­ness to grow in your life, it won’t be long until these attitudes have killed your joy, stolen your peace, and canceled out your spiritual life!

The sycamine tree and the mulberry tree were very similar in appearance; the two trees even produced a fruit that looked identical. However, the fruit of the sycamine tree was extremely bitter. Its fruit looked just as delicious as a mulberry fig. But when a person tasted the fruit of the sycamine fig, he discovered that it was very bitter.

Mulberry figs were delicious and expensive. Because it cost so much it was primarily eaten by wealthier people. But the sycamine fig was cheap and affordable to poorer people. Because the poor couldn’t afford the mulberry fig, they ate the sycamine fig as a substitute. However, the sycamine fig was so bitter that it couldn’t be eaten whole. In order to eat an entire sycamine fig, they had to nibble on it a little bit at a time. After a break, the eater would return to nibble on it again, but he could never eat a entire piece of this fruit at one time; it was just too bitter to eat at one sitting.

Jesus lets us know that like the sycamine fruit, the fruit of bitterness and unforgiveness is bitter and tart. Like the fig, most people who are bitter and filled with unforgiveness chew on their feelings for a long time. They nibble on bitterness for a while; then they take a break to digest what they’ve eaten. After they have reflected deeply on their offense, they return to the memory table to start nibbling on bitterness again - taking one little bite, then another little bite, then another. As they continue to think about their offense, they internalize their bitter feelings toward those who have offended them. In the end, their nibbling on the poisonous fruit of bit­terness makes them bitter people themselves.

And just as the primary consumers of the sycamine fruit were poor people, those who sit around and constantly meditate on every wrong that has ever been done to them are usually bound up with all kinds of poverty. Their bitter attitude not only makes them spiritually poor, but they are also frequently defeated, depressed, sick, and financially poor as well.

It is very interesting to note that the sycamine tree was not naturally pollinated. The pollina­tion process was only initiated when a wasp stuck its stinger right into the heart of the fruit. Thus, the tree and its fruit had to be “stung” in order to be reproduced.

Think of how many times you have heard a bitter person say: “I’ve been stung by that person once, but I’m not going to be stung again! What he did hurt me so badly that I’ll never let him get close enough to sting me again!” It is likely that people who make such a statement have been “stung” by a situation that the devil especially devised to pollinate their hearts and souls with bitterness and unforgiveness. When a person talks like this, you can know for sure that the wasp of bitterness got to them!

Jesus said that in order to rid this nuisance from one’s life, a person must have faith the size of “a grain of mustard seed.” Jesus was telling His disciples that a great amount of faith is not needed to deal with bitterness and unforgiveness. Any person who has even a tiny measure of faith can speak to bitterness and unforgiveness and command them to leave - if  that is really the desire of his heart.

I hope you enjoyed this teaching. If this is something that you are dealing with in your life right now ask God to show you who you have bitterness and resentment to and ask God to forgive you for your actions and have him help you forgive those who have wronged you. You will feel like a weight has been lifted off of you. I promise! You have nothing to loose. 

Becoming of One Mind and Having Compassion for One Another

Ever notice how people who are married are not as committed to one another as they were back when our Grandparents were married. You rarely see couples married 20 plus years. In my opinion it's like that because the world makes it to easy to give up on marriage. We have become a society that is very self centered and selfish. If our marriage takes a turn for the worst it is easier to give up and go your separate way then to work it out. How do you expect to build your marriage if you don't put the time in to deal with heartaches. When you go through hard times with your spouse and you work them out; your marriage gets stronger and you build such a stronger bond between each other that the next time you and your spouse hit another rocky road you can look at each other and say to each other We can and we will get through this." We need to start being there for our spouse, put their needs before ours, and above all keep Christ center in your lives If every couple would commit  to do this, I believe the divorce rate in this country would be lower. 

Husbands and wives just need to stay committed and seriously work at learning to understand one another. Then as they grow together through the years, they will eventually start to think the same and see things from the same perspective.

When this level of unity is finally achieved, it brings power into the marriage. This is exactly what Peter was talking about in 1 Peter 3:8 "Finally, be ye all of one mind". It is the idea of two people who think the same, feel the same, and view things in life the same way. They are similar in their thinking, reasoning and conclusions.

Commitment is required in order for two people to become of one mind. These two people must want to understand each other, want to see things the same way, want to think the same way and want to have the same vision, goal and purpose in life. 

My wife and I always try to understand each other. And if we don't understand each other then we try our best to understand each other by talking it out. And truthfully most of the time we do see eye to eye but when we don’t or love  for each other and respect for  each other we can agree to disagree and that's OK. 

Misunderstanding through miscommunication is the way you leave a door open to cause division between you and your spouse. If you and your spouse make the commitment to keep the door shut to miscommunication, You will se unity and strength grow and mature in your relationship. I like what Peter says after "Be of one mind" He says  that "husbands and wives are to have compassion for one another". If you noticed he put this right after be of one mind because he was married and he knew how hard it was sometimes to understand our spouses and at times it gets very frustrating. But instead of giving into those feelings of exasperation, we are to put aside our frustration and let compassion start to operate.

Remember what I said before, sometimes we may not understand a single thing our spouses are trying to say. Other times you may express yourself over and over again and your spouse still won’t get it. Instead of getting yourself all frustrated choose to let your compassion flow.

  When Helene would try to make a point where we weren't seeing eye to eye, she would rephrase the question numerous times. It would drive me crazy. Like I didn't understand her the first time. But what she was trying to do was make me understand it from her point of view.  One day I finally told her how much it drove me crazy, and I wasn't a child and she didn't have to keep repeating herself in a different way to try to make me see things her way. We had a long talk about it, and now it's not an issue with us. Sometimes we just need to sit down when we are calm with our spouse and let them know how we feel when they do or say certain things that drive us crazy.

You might be wondering what I meant when I said the word compassion. What I mean is when two people are sharing their feelings and emotions with each other. When you share an experience with your spouse and you understand what they are going through. To have sympathy, or be empathetic, kind, considerate, caring and full of mercy. Rather than rush into judgment and get upset or mad at our spouse because we don't understand what they are doing or saying, we need to reach out to them and try to understand.

When an opportunity comes up that would usually cause an argument between you and your spouse reach out to them instead and ask how you can help them. And when you see them struggling with something that is not the time to start preaching, nagging or judging them. Instead have compassion and be sympathetic to them and ask if there is anything you can do to help.

What are you doing to become one minded with you spouse? Do you talk at length with each other? 

Do you pray and worship together? Do you read the Bible together? Do you devote time with one another away from distractions like a cell phone or crying children that want you attention? Becoming of one mind takes focus and concentration. It doesn't happen by accident. If you and your spouse are going to achieve this blessed state God wants you to have, You must make a choice to do it and act on it!

15 Characteristics Of Agape Love

The True Meaning Of Agape Love

1 Corinthians 13:1-8

We have been dissecting for the past 3 weeks in our Sunday school class 1 Corinthians 8:1-8.  It’s a long teaching but we received great feedback from it. Our prayer is that this teaching will bless you and your marriage the way it did to many others and ours. Please feel free to share with others. And as always please leave your feedback we love to hear from you.

There are 15 Characteristics of Agape Love, in this teaching we will break down each characteristic and see what instructions Paul tells about applying them to your marriage.

As you read this study please take a moment and reflect on your own marriage and what characteristics you may be lacking and ask God to turn your weaknesses’ into strengths.

15 Characteristics of Agape Love

Agape Love is the highest level of love in this world. It's a love that gives, gives, and gives. Even if it's never responded to. Thanked or acknowledged. It's a love that isn't based on a response but on a decision to keep on loving. Regardless of the response or lack of response you get. It's an unconditional love. It's the highest form of love that exists.

 It is the kind of love that God expects us to demonstrate as believers.

1- Charity (agape love) Suffereth Long:

Which means the patient restraint of anger- long suffering. To be patient

Ex: like someone waiting for his or her spouse to come around, make progress, change. Or hear what you are trying to communicate or teach them.

Agape love doesn't QUIT! The harder the fight or longer the struggle the more committed AGAPE love becomes.

 Many of us think we can’t do this, but your wrong. You can do this you can because God already bestowed a sufficient love to be able to be long suffering. READ Roman 5:5 Agape love has already been "shed abroad" which means to spill out, dispersed, discharged.

All we have to do is ask The Holy Spirit to help us. And he will release a river of divine love to flow from you to help you when you have someone who is frustrating you much.

2- Kind:

To be adaptable or compliant to others needs. Which means you don't demand for others to be like you but instead you bend over backwards to become what's others need you to be for them. So we need to be able to serve and change in order to meet others needs. Another thing we need to make sure of is that our speech or talk to our loved ones is Kind. Especially our tone of voice we use.

3- Envieth Not:

 Someone who is consumed with his own desires and plans.

Someone who cares about only getting their way and they don’t care how they get it. They would sacrifice anything. They are very self-centered.

4- LOVE VAUNTETH NOT:

A lot of self-talk. Someone who always promotes himself and exaggerates his own virtues. We have to remember love does not go around talking about itself all the time constantly exaggerating and twisting the facts to make themselves look better or more important than others.

Agape love is so strong, pure and confident that it doesn't need to speak of itself or accomplishments. Even if they are greater than everyone else’s. Instead it focuses on the accomplishments of others. In order to build them up and make them feel more valuable and secure. Remember agape love is focused on giving of itself in order to meet the other people’s needs.

5- Love " Is Not Puffed Up".

Which means to be proud of or to be swollen or inflated.

Someone who is filled with PRIDE. Or arrogance.

Paul tells that LOVE is never deceived into thinking to highly of itself.

Paul was telling the Corinthian church that the arrogance of the leaders was the primary source of division and rivalry in the church. All the leaders were very proud and arrogant and did not show Love to others. They thought they were better than everyone else. We have to remember how Christ showed Love to his disciples and follow that example.

 Paul tells the Corinthians that "knowledge puffs up but love edifies".

Love does not behave in prideful, arrogant, haughty, superior, snooty, snobbish or clannish matter.

6- Unseemly:

In the Greek the word meant, "to act in an unbecoming manner"

Meaning someone who is tactless or thoughtless. Or careless and inconsiderate of others. The person would have bad manners to others. They would use harsh and brutal language. Showing that the person is uncaring, insensitive and unkind. Basically someone who acts UGLY.

If you put character 5 and 6 together it could sound like this.

Love doesn't go around talking about itself all the time, constantly exaggerating an embellishing the facts to make it look more important to the site of others; love does not behave in a prideful, arrogant, haughty, superior, snooty, snobbish or clannish matter, love is not rude or discourteous. It's not careless or thoughtless, nor does it carry on in a fashion that would be considered insensitive to others.

7- Love Seeks Not It's Own

This is a person who is in such a pursuit to get his way or what he wants that he would search, seek, investigate, twist the facts, puts words in other peoples mouths, try to keep people to promises they never made or seek various other methods to turn situations to his benefit. In other words this person is a Manipulator!

Someone who is a manipulator is not showing Love what they are showing is how to be dishonest. Remember speaking half- truths or white lies is not the way agape love behaves. Love does not manipulate situations or devise a plan that will twist situations to their own advantage.

8- Love Is Not Easily Provoked

Provoked- portrays someone coming along side another and begins to poke or prick or stick someone with a sharp object. Or provoking with words. We all know what words to say to provoke our spouse in a negative way. Even though we know the outcome of what will happen if we provoke them we still do it. And they will keep doing this until the other person becomes provoked, because they finally had enough of the other persons relentless actions that they respond violently or aggressively. Usually ending up in a fight.

Remember love does not deliberately engage in actions or words that are so sharp, they cause an ugly or violent response.

9- Thinketh No Evil:

Paul uses the word thinketh which in the Greek is logidzomai which is an accounting term that would be better translated to count or to reckon. It literally meant to credit to someone’s account.

Think about a bookkeeper that keeps very detailed records. Just as they keep records of every debit and credit in the books they also keep very detailed records of every wrongdoing that is done to them. They store in their memory every mistake, fault, grievances, disappointments and failures that someone has made against them. Rather than forgiving the person and letting it go, they will carefully maintain records of each wrong doing that was done to them. This is definitely NOT the way love behaves!

Imagine if God brought up every wrong doing you did in the past before him. Thank God he doesn't do that! God forgave us! God decided that he wouldn't deal with us according to our sins. Even though he could remember all of our faults and mistakes, he chose NOT to remember. And he NEVER will. Read Psalm 103:3

Psalm 103:12 says As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us!

This is huge! Thank God! That means he doesn't keep records of our past sins. Once they are under the blood of Jesus they are separated from you forever.

If you are ever tempted to keep mental records of wrong doings your spouse or someone you know has done to you be aware that you are not showing that person the same mercy that God has given to you. Someone who has been forgiven as much as you have been forgiven has not right to keep records of someone else’s mistakes!

Remember:

Love doesn't manipulate situations or schemes and devise methods that will twist situations to it's own advantage; love does not deliberately engage in actions or speak words that are so sharp, they cause an ugly or violent response; love doesn't deliberately keep records of wrongs or past mistakes.

10- Love Rejoices Not With Iniquity- but Rejoices In Truth.

Have you ever secretly rejoiced when you heard that someone you didn't like or someone you disapproved of had gotten in some kind of trouble? And because of the hardships that person went through you thought good for him that's what he deserves. After what he did to others and me it serves him right! If this describes you, this is not the way Gods love reacts to these types of situation.

In Corinthians 13:6 Paul wrote that rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in truth. What that means is- love does not feel over ours when it sees an injustice done to someone else. When things like this happen we need to pray for restoration. Because real love simply doesn't rejoice at someone else’s misfortunes. Paul also tells us that when someone else gains some kind of advantage in life that you have desired, love isn't threatened by that person’s success. Instead we should rejoice in the victory with them.

11- Love Bears all things, believes All Things, Hopes All Things, Endures All Things:

Paul uses the word bearerth. In the Greek it means to cover. As a roof covers a house. And could also mean protection. As a roof would protect or shield us in our house. Just as we go through different seasons of our life and some seasons are worst than others, Paul tells us that agape love serves as a protection for you. Like a roof does to a house. We need to take this and put in our marriage. As we go through difficult times in our marriage we must be there for one another and lift each other up when we are going through tough times. Rather than expose their flaws we must conceal, cover and protect our mates. We must hover over our mates as a protection to get through certain storms in their lives.

 12- Love Believeth All Things:

What Paul is telling us here is that we have to have a never give up attitude. That means what ever the situation is everything will turn out good. Or that love believes the best for every situation.

Doesn't mean that love is stupid or blind it just means that agape love is so filled with faith, it pushes all the negative realities out of the way. It doesn't ignore the problem or challenges. It just makes a choice to see beyond the problems and conflicts; it continues to look for the best attributes in every person. They see the potential in every person through the eyes of love instead of critising them.

13- Love Harpeth All Things:

What Paul is telling is here is that love not only hopes but it expects good of all things. What this means is that instead of assuming bad results in someone’s life agape love always expects the best in someone else. It doesn't only expect it but it anticipates to see the good things happen that they hoped for.

14- Love Endureth All Things:

 Paul is explaining to us here that when we are feeling like we are carrying the world on our shoulders and the pressure feels to heavy we still continue to move forward because they refuse to surrender to defeat because they know they are in the right place where God wants them to be. Agape love never quits or throws in the towel. Especially in our marriage.  We must remember the vows we said to one another and to God. It says I'm committed to be here! To stay with you and work it out. Regardless of cost or time involved. This kind of agape love is totally different from worldly or fleshly love, which says, “I’ve done all I'm going to do”. I'm not wasting any more of my life. I'm finished and I'm leaving!

We must remember that God doesn’t give up on us we give up on him. We must continue to push forward and persevere. With God all things are possible. As long as we have God we can’t get through anything. If Helene and I would of gave up in our third year of marriage we would not have seen the blessings God had for us that we see now. And it’s always a humbling experience when he uses us for his Glory!

 15- Love Never Fails:

Paul ends the 15 characters of love with a very powerful one. He tells us that Love never fails or disappoints us. Everyone in this world at some point in our lives will disappoint us. Our parents, family, children, spouses ect. But Gods love the Agape Love will never disappoint or fails us.

It's a love that is reliable and dependable. This love is constant, and never changing. It's a love that always reliable and true.

This study is taken from Sparkling Gems of the Greek

Don't Give Place to the Devil!

After reading this in my devotion I had to share it with our Marriage Discipleship Group and Marriage Sunday School. And we had a great response. I pray that this will empower you the way it did to us.

Eph- 4:27- Neither give place to the Devil


We never have to fall prey to the devil! We must shut every door, close every window, and seal every place in our lives through which the enemy will try to take control over our lives.
One of the entry points the devil tries to enter into our lives is through our relationships. If we have any issues or any conflict with a loved one or friend, these conflicts become entry points through which the devil tries to get a foothold of our relationships with the ones we love. The enemy slips through these cracks and starts to build an offended place in our mind.  And when this happens a wall has already begun to be built and will eventually separate us from the people we love the most.


In Eph-4:27 Paul writes, "Neither give place to the devil". The word PLACE  in the Greek is Topos. It refers to a specific, marked-off, geographical location. (like a territory, province, region, zone or geographical position).
Since Topos refers to a geographical location this tells us that the devil is after every region and zone in our lives. (money, health, marriage,relationships, employment, business, and ministry). We wants every territory!


Here are some examples where we can leave the door open to the devil:
When We-
Refuse to let go of old hurts.
Refuse to acknowledge what WE did wrong. 
Refuse to forgive others for what they did wrong.
Refuse to stop judging others for their grievances.
Refuse to admit we were wrong too.
Refuse to say, "Im Sorry" when we are wrong.
Refuse to lay down our "rights" for others.


If we do any of these things, we leave a "marked-off place" where the devil can enter and start playing with our minds. Remember we have the POWER and AUTHORITY to say NO!, your not going to do this. Get behind me or under my feet where you belong. I rebuke you in the name of JESUS! We must choose NOT to give the devil any territory in life. We can choose to give him a place in our minds and emotions or choose to walk in the Spirit.
Remember: Greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world". (1 John 4:4)


Now for a some Greek teaching. The word "devil" comes from the Greek word diabolos, an old compound word that is made from the words dia and ballo. the first part of the the word is the prefix dia, which means "through" as in penetration.
Once the enemy locates the crack he begins to penetrate our mind and emotions to drive a wedge between those individuals and other people in their lives. The enemies objective is to separate us from each other with his accusing slanderous accusations.
You know the enemy has been working in your mind when your whole perspective about a certain person or your spouse that you are upset with suddenly changes. You become nit-picky, negative and fault finding. You used to have such high regard for that person, but now you can't see anything good in them at all. And even if you do see something good in them all the bad things outweigh the good.
This is clear evidence that the enemy has been at work and has found an entry point to penetrate your relationship with that other person. He is trying to destroy and disrupt what has been a pleasant and gratifying relationship in your life. DO NOT allow that conflict, disagreement, or disappointment to cause you to pick up a wrong attitude that will ruin your relationship.
During times of trouble sometimes we need to ask ourselves OK, if this isn't as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be. The devil is trying to find a place in my mind to get me to start mentally accusing that person. And I'm not going to let him do it.
Instead, look in the mirror yourself. And think of how many times you have let people down, how many mistakes you have made in relationships, the times you should have been accountable but instead you were shown unbelievable mercy. When you remember these things it will help you look at an offensive situation a little more mercifully. 


Taken from: Sparkling Gems From the Greek.

The Five Languages of Apology

• Expressing Regret

  “Expressing Regret” is the Apology Language that zeroes in on emotional hurt. It is an admission of guilt and shame for causing pain to another person. For those who listen for “Expressing Regret” apologies, a simple “I’m sorry” is all they look for. There is no need for explanation or “pay back” provided the apology has truly come from the heart. “Expressing Regret” is a powerful Apology Language because it gets right to the point. It doesn’t make excuses or attempt to deflect blame. Above all, “Expressing Regret” takes ownership of the wrong. For that reason, “Expressing Regret” is understood as a sincere commitment to repair and rebuild the relationship. The “Expressing Regret” Apology Language speaks most clearly when the person offering the apology reflects sincerity not only verbally, but also through body language. Unflinching eye contact and a gentle, but firm touch are two ways that body language can underscore sincerity.
• 
  
  

  Accept Responsibility

  It is very difficult for some people to admit that they’re wrong. It makes them doubt their self-worth, and no one likes to be portrayed as a failure. However, as adults, we must all admit that we are sinners and that we will make mistakes. We are going to make poor decisions that hurt our mates, and we are going to have to admit that we were wrong. We have to accept responsibility for our own failures. For many individuals, all they want is to hear the words, “I am wrong.” If the apology neglects accepting responsibility for their actions, many partners will not feel as though the apology was meaningful and sincere. Many partners need to learn how to overcome their ego, the desire to not be viewed as a failure, and simply admit that their actions were wrong. For a mate who speaks this apology language, if an apology does not admit fault, it is not worth hearing. Being sincere in your apology means allowing yourself to be weak, and admitting that you make mistakes. Though this may be hard to do for some people, it makes a world of a difference to your partner who speaks this language.

• 
  
  

  Make Restitution

  In our society, many people believe that wrong acts demand justice. The one who commits the crime should pay for their wrongdoing. A mate who speaks this love language feels the same way towards apologies. They believe that in order to be sincere, the person who is apologizing should justify their actions. The mate who’s been hurt simply wants to hear that their mate still loves them.
  There are many effective ways to demonstrate sincerity in an apology. Each mate must learn the other’s love language in order to complete the act of restitution. Though some mates may feel a though all is forgotten with a bouquet of flowers, that may not necessarily work for all mates. Every mate should uncover what their partner’s main love language is (Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Receiving Gifts) and use that specific language in order to make restitutions in the most effective way.
  For a mate whose primary apology language is making restitutions, no matter how often you say “I’m sorry”, or “I was wrong”, your mate will never find the apology sincere. You must show strong efforts for making amends. A genuine apology will be accompanied by the assurance that you still love your mate 
and have a desire to right the wrong-doings committed.
• 
  
  

  Genuinely Repent

  For some individuals, repentance is the convincing factor in an apology. Some mates will doubt the sincerity of an apology if it is not accompanied by their partner’s desire to modify their behavior to avoid 
the situation in the future.
  It’s important to remember that all true repentance begins in the heart. A mate must feel poorly for hurting their loved one, and rely on God’s help in order to truly change. Admitting you are wrong creates vulnerability. It allows your mate to get a glimpse of your heart. The glimpse of true self is assurance that the apology was sincere.
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    One important aspect of genuinely repenting is verbalizing your desire to change. Your mate cannot read your mind. Though you may be trying to change inside, if you do not verbalize your desire to change to your mate, most likely they will still be hurt.
    Many people have problems with repenting when they do not feel as though their actions were morally wrong. However, in a healthy relationship, we often make changes that have nothing to do with morality and everything to do with building a harmonious marriage.
    It is also important to make a dedicated plan for change. Often apologies involving repentance fail because the person never set up steps of action to help ensure success. A person must first set goals for their change. After you create realistic goals, then you can start implementing a plan to change. Taking baby steps towards repentance instead of insisting on changing all at once will increase your chances of successfully changing your ways.
    It is important to remember that change is hard. Constructive change does not mean we will immediately be successful. There will be highs and lows on the road to change. You must remember that with God’s help, anyone can change their ways if they are truly and genuinely ready to repent.
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    Request Forgiveness

    In some relationships, a mate wants to hear their partner physically ask for forgiveness. They want assurance that their mate recognizes the need for forgiveness. By asking forgiveness for their actions, a partner is really asking their mate to still love them. Requesting forgiveness assures your mate that you want to see the relationship fully restored. It also proves to your mate that you are sincerely sorry for what you’ve done. It shows that you realize you’ve done something wrong. Requesting forgiveness also shows that you are willing to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the offended mate. You are leaving the final decision up to your partner – to forgive or not forgive.
    Requesting forgiveness is not easy. It often leaves one vulnerable to the fear of rejection. Along with the fear of rejection is the fear of failing. Many people have a hard time seeking forgiveness because it means admitting that you have failed. The only way to overcome this fear is to recognize that it is very common amongst mankind. The commonality makes it okay to be a failure. It allows a stubborn mate to apologize to their partner and become a healthy individual.
    Ultimately, it’s important to remember that there is a difference between asking for forgiveness and DEMANDING forgiveness. When we demand forgiveness, we tend to forget the nature of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice the offended party is supposed to make. Demanding forgiveness takes away the sincerity of asking for it.
    Remember not to treat forgiveness lightly. It is something to be cherished and appreciated. The act of forgiveness is hard on both ends – for the person who’s asking and for the person who’s accepting.
    This was taken from The 5 Languages of Apology. By Gary Chapman. Please check out his book.