UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

It is better to take refuge in the Lord then trust in man. Psalm 118:8

 If you expect your spouse to meet all your deepest, personal needs you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

If you look to God to meet all your deepest needs you will be satisfied and blessed.

Every married couple faces the ugly reality of unrealistic expectations at one point or another in their marriage. There are two potential problems that go hand and hand

with this issue….

First is “demandingness”, (nagging) which occurs when we expect someone or something to meet all of our needs other than God.

Second is “disillusionment” which occurs when we realize that the particular someone or something is not capable of meeting all of our needs. Sure they may satisfy us temporarily and we are happy and content, but it will never, and can never really last because we are relying on human efforts. As time goes by we seem to need more and what we thought was all we needed from our spouse suddenly is not enough. That is because only God can complete us and sustain us.

Yes, we should try to be all our spouses need us to be. I pray everyday that God will help me be the wife Dondi needs, but it is unrealistic and down right unfair for anyone to put that kind of demand or pressure on their spouse. Our spouse is not the “God” of our emotions or desires. So why do we sometimes make it their responsibility to complete us and fill us beyond their capabilities? Once we realize that our spouses can do some things for us, and they should, but not all things, only then can we be freed from the ugly trap of “unrealistic expectations.”

 If we are to ever grow spiritually and emotionally with our spouses we first need to grow spiritually and emotionally with God.

In the early stages of our marriage this was one of our main areas of trouble. See I was way to emotionally dependant on Dondi and Dondi was way to emotionally independent from me.

I never felt loved enough or valued enough. I was starving for attention, affection and support. The more I demanded it the more let down I was. Dondi was not capable of meeting all those needs because I had needs and areas of my heart that only God could heal and fill. Dondi had areas of his heart that the Lord had to mature and expand. We needed balance. At that time of our marriage we did not know the Lord. It was a rough road and a vicious cycle. I needed more, he gave less. Sure we had short periods of victory. But it never lasted. Not until we both found God and ran to HIM with a desperation and desire to make our marriage not only survive, but be strong, healthy and most important a testimony! We never forget where God has brought us from. First the Lord dealt with us individually, then He worked on our marriage.

Now, I know who I am in Christ.  I am filled and blessed! I still love the attention, support and love from Dondi, He just isn’t my main source anymore. Jesus is. Dondi is my special blessing,  that gift the Lord created just for me. Only after I sought Him first did He begin to transform Dondi into an attentive, affectionate and strong loving man of God. Now the Lord has molded Dondi’s heart in His image and he knows how to love me because he seeks God for that example.

Our Heavenly Father is a God of order. Let’s all keep our eyes on Him first. He is the only true  “Realistic Expectation”

Some of this study was taken from the book Marriage 101 by Dr. Bob and Ann Livesay

The Power of Intimacy and Transparency

Are you the open, transparent one in your marriage? If so, how do you relate to your spouse if he or she is more closed and less transparent? Do you overwhelm them or do you try to draw things out of them gently?

              If you are the spouse who is more closed off and less transparent, what are you doing to try to open up? Do you make an effort to respond to questions from your mate so you can actually have a conversation?

              This was a big problem for Helene and I. She always wanted more from me in our conversations. She always said, “Can you try to make your answers more broad? She would say this because my answers were always two or three word answers. You know like a cave man. Sometimes I would just grunt out the answer. Yes or no, good, ect. There was no depth to our conversations, mostly due to my lack of knowing how to communicate with my wife; because of my lack of communication it hindered our relationship. We didn’t have that deep intimate, transparent marriage that we should of.

              To reach that true oneness in marriage that we all long for, it takes more than just two people living together going through their daily routines. It’s a total merger of body, soul and spirit, and a lot of  HARD work and unending effort!

This past weekend Helene and I rented the movie Four Christmases. Most of you men would probably goof on me and say what a total chick flick. Your right but there was something to learn in the movie. The couple in the movie were very happy, enjoyed each other’s company and id a lot of exciting things together. From the outside looking in they looked like they just had everything going for them and were a unity couple, but as the movie went along and plans didn’t work out to go on a vacation together they are forced to visit each other’s families. I don’t want to tell you to much of the movie but in short as they are visiting their families they are noticing that they really don’t know each other at all. They only know each other on the surface. They didn’t know what their favorite things were, or things from their childhood, nicknames they had growing up. Once they noticed that they really didn’t know each other as well as they thought things started to change. That’s what happens to our relationships. If we are not open with our spouses sharing their concerns, deep thoughts, goals ect. Then we hinder our relationships from growing and, giving the opportunity for TRUST and intimacy to develop in your marriage. After all, real transparecny and sharing is one of the things that seperates the relationship you have with your spouse from the relationship you have with everyone else in your life. You two should share those little looks and smiles that only you two know what you are laughing about. Those little comments that are almost a secret language that you two have developed over time . That is Intimacy! That is when you know you have that unity that can only come from the real effort to develop transparency that will lead to intimacy! Believe me it is worth the all effort!

              In order to achieve an intimate relationship with your spouse you have to be honest, open, and be willing to be vulnerable enough to share your deep emotional feelings.

              One of the first steps to building transparency and intimacy in a marriage is knowing your spouses basic orientation. You have to be willing to let your spouse be different. It was OK for your spouse to be different when you were dating, why should he or she act different now that you are married. Being Different is Good!

              There are a few things that come into play that may cause you or your spouse to struggle with being transparent.

1.Maybe he or she received little encouragement to freely express opinions and    feelings as a child.

2.Culture. The world we live in today, Men are shown that it is a weakness to show emotion. (Except for anger). Which is very sad. Real men show emotions!

3.Sometimes we are shown to put a front on and don’t let anyone know that you are struggling. (We see this a lot. In and outside the church)

Don’t get me wrong becoming transparent involves risk, but it’s the only way a deeper intimacy and trust will grow.

Transparency starts with a commitment to create a safe environment for total openness. If you or your spouse can’t trust each other or are worried about what the other person might think of what they have to say then your relationship will never grow in transparency. You have to know that know matter what is said your spouse will be there for you.

Lets look at 1 John 4:18. It say’s “There is no fear in love, but perfect love cast out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love”.

If we show our spouses security and love it will cast out all fear.

Here are some thoughts on how to communicate with your spouse.

· Determine what you want to say. Prepare our thoughts ahead of time what your want to express.

· Determine how you want to say it. What emotions do you want to portray that will get your message across.

· Determine when you want to say it. Timing is important. When you want to be transparent, the proper place and time is very important.

Remember: Transparency, the true path to intimacy, begins with a joint commitment to create an atmosphere where it is safe to be totally open.

Parts of this study were taken from Starting Your Marriage Right. By Dennis and Barbara Rainey