Defeating Selfishness In Your Marriage

Selfishness

Defeating Selfishness In Your Marriage

Selfishness is a very serious threat to a marriage. It can keep a marriage from growing into all God intends it to be.

So many people are worried about their own needs rather than meeting the needs of their spouse first. Think about it. If we all considered meeting our spouse’s needs before our own, there wouldn't be any problems of selfishness in a marriage.

Since both partners enter a marriage with all kinds of expectations, many of which are not met because one or both partners are more worried about their expectations being met rather than meeting the expectations of their spouse.

Many of us come into a marriage wanting such high expectations not realizing that they are unrealistic for their spouse to meet. Or sometimes you may hear the spouse say," well I shouldn’t have to tell them what I want, they should just know." Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but Yes you do have to tell them. And even more than once... As a guy I know that it's frustrating and I have gotten much better but my wife has to tell me things more than once and vice versa. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as it is communicated correctly. The way to avoid self-centeredness or selfishness is to communicate your expectations to each other and ACT on them.

The problem with selfishness is that we are just not ready to die to ourselves. Many of you may ask, "How do we avoid reaping the bitter fruit of selfishness in your marriage? The answer is SURRENDER! And if you are a true follower of Christ and you truly made him the Lord over everything in your life. Then you know what surrendering is.

Through scriptures and principles in the bible you can learn to set aside your selfish interest for the good of each other as well as the benefit of your marriage.

In the bible Jesus tells us through his teachings that instead of being first, we must be last. Instead of wanting to be served we must serve. Instead of trying to save our lives, we must loose them. We must love our neighbors (our spouses) as much as we love ourselves. So in summary in order to defeat selfishness, we must give up, give in, and give all. Be a servant with a joyful heart.

So many people think that marriage is 50/50. And it's not. It’s 100/100. Both parties need to give 100% of each other to the marriage or it won't work.

·      Husbands: How much time are you devoting to personal hobbies, interest and activities that were typical before marriage but may not fit into serving your wife selflessly now?

·      Wife: Are you spending too much time talking and shopping with girlfriends, neglecting task at home that would enhance your ability to help your husband?

Remember if we live our lives for ourselves, thinking only of our selfish desires and interest, in the end God gives us exactly what we want. Ourselves!

Marriage provides the opportunity to live life for someone else and to avoid the terrible conclusion; all I've got is me. I can't depend on anyone else.

Learn to depend on your spouse. It will help to form oneness in your marriage. This will be very hard for you if you've never given up your will to Christ.

I encourage you to first ask God into your life. Repent of your sins of not making him lord of your life. Ask him to help you to die to yourself daily. Ask him to help you become the spouse your mate needs. Once you do this it will be possible to give up your will to your spouse.

         Selfishness is defeated as you give up your will for the will of your mate. What will you do to become less selfish and less self-centered?

         Once you’ve defeated selfishness in your marriage you will be more fulfilled, and there will be a peaceful unity with your spouse.

Some of this teaching was taken from Starting Your Marriage Right By: Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Forgiveness

This week I want to talk about something that is very important in a marital relationship. Without this one specific ingredient in a marriage the marriage would never work. 


The ingredient I'm talking about is FORGIVNESS... Without forgiveness our marriages would never heal from the hurt and pains we cause our mates. 
It's impossible to have a good marriage without the healing power of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness as the safety net beneath your marriage. 
I remember some of the fights Helene and I had back in the early parts of out marriage. The arguments would go on for weeks! No joke. We would fight so long and say so many things that weeks later we forgot what started the fight to begin with.... You see our problem was that neither of us wanted to ask for forgiveness. Notice I said ask for forgiveness and not I’m sorry... Asking for forgiveness is admitting your wrong and it is a very humbling experience. And this is hard for both men and women. I personally think it's harder for men to ask for forgiveness because of our male macho egos. 
Just imagine how many fights and arguments would quickly dissolve if we would just put down our PRIDE, because we don't want to seem like we are the ones giving in.


To forgive means " to give up resentment and the desire to punish". By the act of your will, you let the other person off the hook. 


Jesus says in Mathew 6:14-15. " For if you forgive men for their transgressions, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men, then your father will not forgive your transgressions". 
 In Eph: 4:32 Paul instructs us to be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you". 
 I don’t know about you but I don't want anything hindering God from forgiving me of any of my sins. This is a very important instruction from God. It's very clear that God insist that we are to be forgivers. And in our marriages there are many opportunities to practice forgiveness.


Many of you might be thinking well how many times do I have to forgive my spouse? Well let's look at what the bible has to say about that. In Mathew 18: 21-22 Peter asked Jesus how many times we must forgive one another. Peter wondered if seven times would be enough. Christ answered "No... Seventy times seven". In other words we need to forgive an infinite amount of times. Not just when you feel like it.
 Especially if we claim to be children for God.

One way you can tell if you’ve really forgiven your spouse is by asking yourself these following questions:

·      Have I given up my desire to punish my mate? 

·      Do I withhold any kind of love from my spouse based on past offenses toward you?

 When you lay aside that desire and no longer seek revenge, you free your spouse and yourself from the bonds of anger. 


We need to be careful of misusing or diluting the power of forgiveness. You might have heard your spouse say, "I'm sorry will you forgive me?” And the other person quickly says "Sure I will forgive you! And they move on, but then the person offends again and again with the same scenario. In order to have true forgiveness the offender must have an authentic repentance and cleansing on their part. It may even take some outside help for the person repeating the offense. When we can’t fix it ourselves we all need to look for outside help from a counselor, pastor or elder to help keep us accountable. 


Forgiveness cannot be conditional. Once you forgive, that's it. Just imagine if God forgave us conditionally. We would all be going to Hell. 


Once you have chosen to forgive you can still process the feelings of disappointment or rejection. That's ok. Remember forgiveness is a choice, an act of will, not an emotion. It may take a while for your emotions to catch up with your will.  We must forgive because that's what we are told to do according to scripture. 


Ask yourself these questions: 


·      In your relationship with your spouse what issues have been difficult to forgive? Why do you think this is so?

·      
Am I hurting my spouse for something he or she has done that has hurt me or disappointed me? If so list those hurts/ disappointments.

·      
In prayer and as an act of your will, give up " your rights" to punish your spouse. Write across your list of hurts your statement of forgiveness. 
Go to your spouse and tell them of your forgiveness.

Some of this study was taken from Starting Your marriage Right by: Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Building A Spiritual Foundation

Building a Spiritual Foundation

Living in Florida you see billboards all over the place as your driving down the streets and highways. One day as I was driving I saw a billboard that made me think. How many married couples would never say the “D”  word “Divorce”. Or how many marriages could be restored if we actually acted on the question on this billboard.

The billboard read, “You invited me to your wedding. How about inviting me into your marriage”?

Have you ever taken this invitation literally?  The best marriages consist of three. The husband, the wife, and God.  With God at the head leading, guiding, and counseling the marriage. Without God in your marriage you are guaranteeing that your marriage will not achieve the intimacy, oneness and happiness that God designed for your marriage.

Are both of you allowing Christ to control your entire lives? Are you both part of the family of God? Are you both allowing the Holy Spirit to guide and empower your lives?

Did you know that Gods plan is that you both (husband and wife) know Him personally? That each of you has a personal relationship with Him (God). He wants you both to become part of His family before you try to build your own family.  This is something that Helene and I didn’t do, and our marriage suffered because of it. Not until we both accepted Jesus as our Savior and Lord over our lives did our marriage start to change for the better. You cannot truly love one another until you have experienced the love of God.

One way to know if you are letting God be the Lord of your life is by asking yourself, If God was no longer in my life tomorrow would it be any different? Would you feel lost, confused, cut off from your source of guidance, wisdom, and power. Would you feel empty?  If you realize that your actions, thoughts and words wouldn’t be different without Jesus absent in your life then you need to realize that Christ is not the Lord of your life.

If you have not asked Jesus to be the Lord of your life then I  encourage   you to  ask him to take control over every area of your life. Big or small. When you do this,  really give Him all of the control. This may be very hard for some of you. Especially if you are like me and you are a very independent person. When I first got saved I would go to Jesus only when I needed him to fix a problem that I couldn’t fix. Then when he would fix the problem I would put him right back on the shelf until I needed him again. Or I would say I gave it over to God as I tried to work it out myself and usually mess it up even more. Which then it seemed that it took even longer for God to take care of the problem.

 It was hard for me to hand control over to God because, I was afraid of not being in control! Once I really learned what it meant to give God control and yield everything over to Him and not worry. I  learned where I needed to go for strength and peace in my life with out worries.

Is the Holy Spirit directing your marriage? If you want a marriage where the two of you grow spiritually then yielding to the Holy Spirit is vital. The Holy Spirit helps us to control our selfishness, our temper, impatience, and our tongues. Even though we may slip up and fail sometimes. As we yield to the Will of God the fruits of the Spirit help us grow closer to our spouse. (Fruits of the Spirits: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, And Self Control)

If you have never asked God to fill you with the Holy Spirit here is how:

1.     Confess your sins. Tell God everything, repent and receive forgiveness and cleansing.

2.     Surrender your will to God. Allow Him to be Master of everything in your life.

3.     Ask him to fill you with the Holy Spirit.

4.     Then continue to walk with God daily, read His word, meditate on it, and confess your sins to him daily and yield to His Will daily.

Go back and look at the Fruits of the Spirits and asked your spouse, Do we see these Fruits in our marriage? A lot, Some, or A little. See what areas need to improve and act on it.

Remember “As married partners are filled with the Spirit and submit to each other out of reverence to Christ, true oneness is achieved”.

Parts of this teaching was taken from Starting Your Marriage Right by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

The Importance of Prayer In Your Marriage

The Importance of Prayer In your Marriage

Are you uncomfortable with praying with your spouse?

If I gave you a tool that would help you decrease your chances of divorce by 99% would you use it?

What if I told you we all have not just a tool but also, a powerful weapon that could help you build a hedge of protection around your marriages? Would you use it?  This powerful weapon is PRAYER!

Praying with your spouse daily will build intimacy and unlock Gods power in your marriage. It shows that you both come together as a couple and depend on Jesus as Lord of your marriage and family. It builds a unity and a security those marriages of this world lack.

God intended marriage to be a spiritual relationship that consists of 3 man, woman, and God.

So doesn’t it make sense for God, the one who designed the marital relationship to want us to bring our trials, worries and must of all our praises to him on a regular daily basis?

You might say, “well, I already do that” but my question to you is, why not do it together?

Remember what Mathew 18:19-20 says

If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my father in heaven will do it for you. For where 2 or 3 gather together as my followers, I am among them. NLT.

Prayer can be the most intimate encounter between a husband and wife. We are not talking about physical intimacy. We are talking about spiritually and emotional intimacy. I can almost guarantee that if we work on increasing the spiritual and emotional intimacy the physical will increase beyond your expectations. 

Prayer builds and strengthens your marriage.

When you pray with your spouse openly you are baring your soul in front of the person that knows your strengths, weaknesses and most important each other’s burdens. And that could be a pretty humbling and vulnerable moment for some of us.

 That’s usually one of the reasons why most couples don’t want to pray with each other they are afraid of being vulnerable and transparent in front of their spouse and that’s sad. They are afraid of rejection or criticism. Something that should be natural between a husband, wife and God seems threatening and unnatural. Remember, God will not force himself on us. He is ready and willing to join us in every aspect of our lives. But, we have to invite him in.

Today I challenge to start a daily prayer habit to help strengthen your marriage. Starting a daily prayer habit starts with one person in the marriage taking the initiative. I recommend it be the husbands. Men since we are called to be the spiritual leader of the households it’s is up to us to stand up and take our place and lead our households and marriages the way God intended us to. We can’t pick and choose when we want to be a leader. We are to lead in every aspect of our household. There is nothing like starting it with prayer. I always hear my “wife won’t submit she won’t follow me”. Well maybe she doesn’t follow because she doesn’t see where you’re getting your guidance.

My wife always tells me that it is easy for her to submit and follow me because she knows I am looking up to receive guidance from God. That is when the wife knows she can put her Full faith and trust in us. Then usually they have no problem submitting. Remember one of the most important things a woman needs is security. A consistent relationship with the Lord is one of the best ways to make your wife feel secure.

Husbands your wife will respond to your initiating in prayer but you must begin by leading!

If you do this Lord will pour out incredible blessings from heaven on you. As you both humble yourselves before him.

Don’t worry about being long winded. Or if you think you don’t know how to pray.

Luke 18:13 prayer was just 7 words long. But it was powerful because it came straight from the heart.

O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner. NLT

God wants your prayers to be open and honest, from the heart. He wants you to tell him what’s really going on.

Praying together daily is the most important spiritual discipline needed in marriages today.

So ask yourselves “What do we need to do to increase joint prayer in your marriage”? Then act on it.

Parts of  this teaching was taken from Starting Your Msarriage Off Right by Dennis and Barbara Rainey